Xanadu's Journey

I should be sleeping. It is 4am, afterall. But Xanadu woke me up to go outside. He went potty and came back in so I went back to bed. 5 minutes later, he was in the bedroom again, whining. I let him out again and this time, he went to lay down in the dirt/bushes at the perimeter of our yard. I hate it when he does this.  How can I go back to bed when he is laying in the bushes? He is not an outside dog and he has never slept outside in his life. So I am waiting for him to get cold or bored and come back in. This is a recent behavior that I associate with pain. He feels crappy so he wants to be outside. He did this for the first time last Wednesday night, which is the night I decided that we needed to remove the leg.  We now countdown the nights until surgery.

Only one more night to get through before the amputation surgery. Hang tough, Xan!

As Xanadu’s surgery date approaches, I am getting nervous.  The kind of butterflies you get when you don’t know what to expect from something.  I am by nature a very optimistic person, like to think the best of everything, but I am also realistic and read too much.  There is a part of me that worries that Xan won’t make it through the surgery on Wednesday.  So I have been thinking up ways to memorialize Xanadu. 

 It started with creating a stepping stone with his pawprint. My thought was to do a small stone with his pawprint, and once he crosses the bridge, insert the small stone into a larger one that I can stamp his DOB and DOD.

Tonight, I painted the bottom of his healthy front paw and stamped it on a canvas to hang on the wall.

Tomorrow is his last night as a 4-legged dog… what should I do next?

In just three more days, Xanadu will become an official tripawd! He has been a partial tripawd since he fractured his OS leg in October.  I was so concerned about his knees, that we have tried to save his leg.  But the tumor has become too aggressive leaving us this last resort.  I thought I would be freaking out about such a major surgery, but I have found peace in this decision.  When faced with the alternative (euthanasia), I know in my heart that this is the “right” choice for Xan.

I am trying to take as many photographs with Xanadu as possible. These were taken with the timer on my camera! Xan was being very cooperative.

This is Xanadu. He was diagnosed with Osteosarcoma in August 2010, at the age of 12. The tumor is in his right distal radius and it is eating away his bones. Deciding to go the palliative care route, I opted to do radiation and IV pamindronate (a biophosphate). Because of prior ACL injuries to both knees, I was afraid he wouldn’t be able to handle life on three legs. He suffered a hairline compression fracture in October and was fitted with a fiberglass cast. To this day, February 4, 2011, he still wears a cast, which must be changed weekly.
Last Thursday, I discovered that not only has he suffered additional fractures to his cancer leg, he also has developed lung mets. That news was a huge blow. I quickly spiraled into a depression like I have never experienced. I was left with two choices: amputate or euthanize. How could I even consider putting Xanadu to sleep? He was eating, playing, hugging, following me around, and just being Xan. After 7 agonizing days, I have gone full circle and decided to amputate. His surgery is scheduled on Wed, February 9. This decision did not come easily.

Monday, I talked to Dr. Fineman, Xan’s oncologist at VMS. She is fabulous, but she did not recommend amputation. There are risks. Amputation is a major surgery and Xan is an older dog. Anesthesia can have a negative effect on lung mets and the lung mets can grow quickly as a result of the amputation. In her opinion, amputation may give Xan three months and even this was not guaranteed. She went on to recommend weekly bandage changes and gave Xan maybe a month until he would have to be put to sleep due to the pain. After our conversation on Monday, I decided I would not amputate. Which left euthanasia.

Tuesday was the worst day of my life. I was depressed, sad, and distraught at the thought of ending my best friend’s life. How was I supposed to do it? Xan has been my dog for over 12-1/2 years. He has seen me though good times and bad and has been with me my entire adult life. I reached out to my Bone Cancer Dogs friends (http://pets.groups.yahoo.com/group/bonecancerdogs/) and asked for advice on handling grief and the loss of a pet. This group is a godsend. They are the most supportive and optimistic group of people you could ever hope to meet. There is a wealth of information within this group that is freely given by people who have “been there, done that.” Questions are answered within minutes and different opinions are offered. I have survived Xanadu’s diagnosis because of this group of friends.
Wednesday night pushed me over the edge. Xan woke me up at midnight, whining to go outside. I was up half the night, watching him pace, pant, and freak out. He was in so much pain, I didn’t know how he would make it through the night. I honestly wished for the drugs to end his misery. After giving him an extra gabapentin and tramadol, he finally went to sleep around 3 AM with me sleeping next to him on the floor.
Thursday, we had an appointment with Dr. Staatz (VSA), our favorite orthopedic vet, for the weekly bandage change. I talked to him at length about Xanadu’s options. I told him about Xan’s restless night and asked his opinion on amputation. He reassured me that Xan would be fine on three legs. He pointed out that Xan really isn’t using the leg anymore and is getting around okay. I assisted with the bandage change and saw the tumor. It has grown and it looks awful. As soon as I saw it, I knew what I wanted to do. The leg has to go. He promised to talk to Dr. Fineman about the surgery.
Friday, Dr. Fineman called me. She agreed that amputation was Xanadu’s only shot at living the rest of his life pain-free. And since he is not ready to be euthanized, we scheduled the surgery.  What a sense of relief I felt!  While I know his time is limited, at least the rest of his time will be spent without that bum leg.  And he has a chance to make it to his 13th birthday.  So on Wednesday, Xanadu will officially become a tripawd!